On turning 59

Quiet Storm by Fr. Nicanor F. Lalog II, 22 March 2024

Salamuch to all your birthday greetings and prayers. You were all prayed for during my five day silent retreat here at the Sacred Heart Novitiate in Novaliches, my “Bethel” and “Peniel” in the last ten years.

It was in Bethel where Jacob dreamt of a stairway to heaven that upon waking up realized “the Lord is in this spot, although I did not know it” (Gen.28:16, 19) while it was in Peniel where he wrestled with an angel that he was given the other name “Israel… because you have contended with divine and human beings and have prevailed” (Gen.32:29, 31).

God has been so kind to me to let me reach 59 – isang taon na lang may Senior Citizen Card na ako!

Last Sunday I had a long lunch with two of my former students in our girls’ high school in Malolos. It was a great feeling of being “reconnected” not only with Karen and Kweenie but also with myself.

God is our most important “connection” in life. To be connected, to reconnect with him is to be one, to be whole again with one’s self, with others and the rest of creation. And that is what a retreat is, a vacation with the Lord which is to reconnect with Him, to be healed and be whole again to find our other vital connections in life (https://lordmychef.com/2024/03/18/re-con-nect/). Here are some of my reflections; hope to help or guide you too to God.

If I say, “Surely darkness shall hide me, and night shall be my light” — Darkness is not dark for you, and night shines as the day. Darkness and light are but one.

Psalm 139:11-12

Very often, we feel disconnected from God and everyone, even from one’s self when there is darkness in life due to sins and failures or disappointments as well as when we are tired and feeling sad, even depressed, for varied reasons.

But, the grace of God is actually most bountiful when we are in darkness. And the irony of it all, it is in our darkness is also our light! It is the other side of that another irony I realized a few years ago that it is in emptiness when we are actually full. Kung kailan wala, at saka mayroon!

In His great silence, God never stops doing something in us and with us while we are groping in the dark. Many times, the very things we complain and cry about that brought us darkness are in fact the most beautiful things we can have and must have done in this imperfect world. Feel God tapping our shoulders, even thanking us that despite the darkness we are into, we remain faithful and committed, still caring and loving those entrusted to us, especially the children and the sick as well as those who hurt us or a burden to us.

Life is always difficult but many times we ignore this reality.

Have you sometimes wondered why life has become so complicated and competitive these days that even if you are not in the “rat race” itself especially when friends and family come to unburden themselves to us, we also get affected. That is when we overextend ourselves helping them, connecting them without realizing we are the ones getting disconnected too with our very selves and the realities of life.

When things are getting dark, stop and accept the fact we are tired or sad. That it is already night time and too dark to go out, that we need to stay inside or remain where we are. Let the darkness pass to avert disasters like breakdowns, feeling exhausted and depleted that we get sick physically and emotionally. When darkness comes, rest in the Lord and enjoy the stars and the moon above.

I praise you, so wonderfully you made me; wonderful are your works! My very self you knew; How precious to me are your designs, O God; how vast the sum of them!

Psalm 139:14, 17

Why can’t I accept that I am good, so wonderfully created by God? What a shame at how I always tell people, especially students and youth, to always believe in themselves, that our main problem in life is self-rejection which I am also guilty of.

Lately I have been questioning myself if I am really good at all: “talaga ba akong magaling at mahusay o ma-papel lang?”

It is funny that as I cross into the threshold of senior years, I still have many insecurities in life, still doubting my abilities, of who I am.

One thing God has revealed me this week of prayers is how self-rejection is a result of lack of gratitude to Him. It is only when we are truly grateful to God can we accept, then own our giftedness as a person.

Many times we thank God for his “material” gifts to us that include our family and friends, jobs and career, house and cars and gadgets. Not to forget money and wealth, including fame for some. We thank God for everything except our very gift of selves. We are the most precious gift of God we always forget to thank Him for – our giftedness as a person with all of our talents and abilities.

Being grateful to God means seeing myself as God sees me His beloved child. Not the way we see ourselves before God that would always be in extremes, either we are too good like the Pharisee in Christ’s parable (Lk. 18:9-14) or too bad almost like the devil.

The more I am grateful to God, the more I cherish my personhood that despite my many flaws and sins, I am still loved by God our Father.

Gratitude is more than being thankful; it is entering into a deeper relationship with God and with anyone good to us. Ungrateful people who could not say “thank you” are the ones who do not care at all to others and their kindness. Whenever we say “thank you,” it means we not only appreciate and acknowledge their gift but most of all, their personhood inasmuch as they have recognized us in the first place.

This morning in our Mass, I felt so touched by God that tears swelled in my eyes twice. First when we sang in the entrance hymn “Buksan ang aming plad, sarili’y maialay; turuan Mong ihanap kami ng bagong malay.”

I think that is one thing I need this year, a new consciousness about God, of myself, and my vocation. Lately, I have been “romancing” death. It is not being morbid but simply accepting that reality becoming more real as we age. But, sometimes, I must confess, any fascination with death is defeatist in nature like when we start thinking of retiring early. I have always believed the priesthood is always seeking new directions in the ministry, in serving God and others but lately with all the darkness in me and around me, I just feel like retiring early, of just waiting for the end, whatever that may mean.

Lord Jesus Christ,
bring back that fire and 
enthusiasm in me;
give me a new 
consciousness of You,
of me, 
and of my ministry.

Tears swelled in my eyes the second time during the Offertory in our Mass as we sang Take and Receive which is actually the surrender prayer by St. Ignatius. It was the last prayer I recited before the Blessed Sacrament last night as I closed my retreat with a Holy Hour. It is my most favorite prayer but also the one I rarely pray after realizing and feeling its “existential” meaning during our 30-day retreat in 1995.

Try contemplating its meaning and you feel scared praying it, as if telling God, “not yet, Lord, not yet”: “Take Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou has given all to me. To thee, O Lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me thy nlove and thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.”

As I closed my retreat last night, I felt praying it again with the same conviction in 1995 after our 30-day retreat, in 1997 for our diaconal ordination and in 1998 for our presbyteral ordination. Once in a while I pray it too in high moments with the Lord. Like last night and this morning.

Thank you, 
dearest Father
for the gift of life,
for the gift of personhood;
Lord Jesus Christ,
You have given me with so much
and I have given You so little;
teach me to give more of myself,
more of of Your love and mercy;
take whatever I still have 
so that I can give more of You
in the Holy Spirit.
With Mary, 
teach me to be poor 
in You.
Amen.

Thank you everyone for your love, for your gift of self, for your friendship.