Giving permission to die

Quiet Storm by Fr. Nicanor F. Lalog II, 08 November 2023

A very dear friend died last October 16 after more than three years of fighting cancer. She used to be one of our elementary teachers at the school I was first assigned after ordination. She later resigned to teach abroad but every year whenever she was home for summer vacation, she always invited me to join their mini-reunions of former co-teachers.

Everything changed in 2020 when she had to retire early to return home for her cancer treatment. We could not visit her during the pandemic lockdown, occasionally meeting her via zoom and video phone calls. When COVID subsided a little in late 2021 and early 2022, we finally met briefly. She seemed to be responding well to her chemotherapy except that she had lost hair that was natural. Last December, we were finally able to go out with other fellow co-teachers twice after Christmas and after New Year’s day last January. We were so glad she had regained weight and strength. And hair too!

Saw her again last June but in late August, she stopped answering our messages. It turned out that her cancer had metastasized to her lungs and liver. When I came to see her October 7, the first thing she told me was for me to “allow her to die”. According to her brothers and elder sister, she had also asked them for “permission to die” earlier that night because she said, she was already tired and was ready to go back to God.

It was not the first time somebody had asked me a “permission to die”, especially since I have become a hospital chaplain two years ago. But, I must confess, in all instances, there was always hesitancy on my part in giving “permission to die” especially when those dying are close to me like friends and relatives. In fact, the first person who asked me “permission to die” was my best friend from high school seminary. I just cried, said nothing when he calmly told me he was ready to go.

That scene remains vivid to my memory to this day, including the many lessons he had taught about life and dying.

By the way, let me put it clear that what we are referring here as giving “permission to die” is allowing death take its natural course, not mercy killing or euthanasia which is intrinsically evil we should never allow.

In my 25 years in the priesthood, two years as hospital chaplain since 2021, I have always felt the process of dying as a “grace-filled moment” too like in the birth of an infant or recovery of a sick person. Both the dying and their family and friends are blessed when death approaches or had come, like when Jesus visited Martha and Mary four days after the death of their brother Lazarus. That scene of Jesus speaking to Martha before bringing Lazarus back to life assures us of how God had turned death into a blessing in Christ: Jesus told her, “I am the resurrection and the life; whoever believes in me, even if he dies, will live, and everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?” (Jn. 11:25-26)

If we believe Jesus and his words to Martha, we too shall find him coming to us when a beloved is dying, especially when they ask us that “permission to die” which is not actually a permission per se because only God decides when we are going to die.

When patients ask for “permission to die”, they are actually bidding us goodbye. Dying people always knew when they had to go because they have already accepted the reality. This is very noticeable at the serenity, even of joy, on their face. Despite their sickness, dying patients who have truly made peace with God and had given up everything to Him always have that grace of composure like Jesus when he died on the Cross, crying his same prayer, “Father, into your hands I commend my spirit” (Lk.23:46).

Giving “permission to die” is a grace from God He gives to relatives and friends to accept and embrace that difficult reality.

“Permitting” our loved ones to die is to assure them of our love and forgiveness of their sins against us. It is our final act of love for them when we assist them to that great passageway onto eternity like when we would lead our guests out to the door to ensure them our separation is just temporary until we meet again soon.

Due to this great amount of love in our final goodbyes, some people sometimes “fake” their dying moments, creating a “drama” in asking “permission to die” when actually, they are not yet ready to die but merely demanding love and care from family and friends. One clear sign is they tend to be more cerebral than cordial, becoming bitter and angry than ever. Even amid sufferings, they think more of themselves than feel others around them. Like the boy who cried wolf, they have not yet really seen death approaching because most likely, they have not yet faced life and living truly. Coming to terms with death is coming to terms with life. When loved ones “fake” their dying, what they really seek is how to live fully and responsibly, to be their true self. But that’s a different topic…

Death is the most terrifying moment in life because we do not know what’s next, where we are going. That is why, when people truly mean that they have accepted death, that is also when they have accepted life in its fullness. They do not reason out. They just feel God and those around them. Most of all, they have peace within amid pains.

The same thing happens with us relatives and friends of the dying. We feel their sense of peace within, affecting us, infecting us. Hence, we get lost at how to express our giving them of that permission to die. Very often, we cry because our hearts overflow with love. When we feel their seeking of permission to die is genuine, our mouths and tongues are shut, incapable of expressing our love for them that is diverted into our eyes as tears, bursting forth like waters from a collapsed dam that cleanse also us of our fears and sadness at our impending loss.

Finally, giving permission to die to our beloved is an expression of our faith in God, affirming we all came from God and would someday go home to God in heaven. Thus, giving permission to die is actually to comfort – literally, “to give strength to” – the dying of their faith in God while facing their final tests and temptations in life, assuring them that soon, we shall join them in eternal joy.

Many times, our family and friends suffer so much before death because of our refusal to let them go too. We keep on holding them back that terrify them in making the great crossover. Giving them permission to die is easing and sharing their fears so they can finally let go and let God, that is, die – the meaning of the letter “d” that stands between the words “go” and “God”. According to the prayer by St. Francis of Assisi, it is in dying when we are born into eternal life. Amen.

*Aside from All Saints’ Day and All Souls Day, the whole month of November is a traditional time for visiting the graves of our loved ones. Go and offer them prayers, especially that “permission to die” if you are still holding them and have not yet let them go.