He is not here

Quiet Storm by Fr. Nicanor F. Lalog II, 05 April 2026

Every year on my birthday, I go on a personal silent retreat. A vacation with the Lord. As I turned 62 last March that is said to be truly when one is considered “old”, I felt like those women not finding Jesus in the tomb at Easter when an angel told them, “He is not here, for he has been raised just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay” (Mt.28:6).

From then on, March 16-21, I have opted not to blog daily, preferring to rest and pray more until I find Jesus anew in my blogging

It was only on this Easter evening after returning from another retreat during the Holy Tridum that I have started to write anew, feeling like Cleopas and his companion sadly walking home to Emmaus, feeling Jesus is not here.

I have been writing my homilies for 28 years since my ordination as a deacon. As an “old school” plus the fact of my being a former journalist, I have always been writing in preparing homilies and talkds for the people. That is why I always wear polo with a small pocket to put my small notebook and pen.

After discovering the internet in 2000, I began sending weekly homilies as emails to family, relatives, friends every Sunday to help them prepare for Sunday Mass.

Then in 2018 while head of the diocesan commission on social communications, I started this blog, Lord My Chef, to evangelize more people faster. It has always been clear with me that writing is a gift from God that I must use for his greater glory so that more people may experience even in the net his joy and mercy, healing and forgiveness, and loving presence.

Moreover, I have intended Lord My Chef to be “Spiritual recipes for the soul to gladden your heart” with daily recipes that are homilies expressed in prayer with straight homilies on Sundays and special feasts.

But lately, there was no more gladness in me.

Blogging has become tiring, even stressful.

No more joy as demands replaced the love I used to have in writing.

Because I have been self-centered.

During my recent retreat, I also felt like Judas Iscariot betraying Jesus in exchange of the statistics of my posts, foolishly competing with myself comparing the daily, weekly, monthly and yearly metrics of my posts.

And yes, many times I felt sad why so few “like” my posts unlike other bloggers I follow and visit.

As I prayed before the Blessed Sacrament on the first day of my retreat last March, I felt being hit so hard in my heart by the Holy Spirit, of how I have been like Simon Peter denying Jesus so many times in my blogs supposed to be about him but have become more about myself.

Noble intentions are never enough because no matter how great and good are our plans even our efforts but when God is nowhere, then it is nothing.

It is a farce because despite the statistics and tangible results we have on whatever we do but if our hearts remain empty and far from God, it is nothing.

St. Paul said it so clearly in the 13th chapter of his first letter to the Corinthians, “If I have not loved, then I am nothing.”

That night, I wrote on my journal what I told Jesus in my colloquy, “I pray to blog, not for God.”

There was shame but also peace and freedom in my heart that night.

Finally, I have found what – or who – was missing in my blogs and life itself that I have become so tired, confused, even many times lost.

God.

Some times, we can feel so well in life, obeying and doing God’s will but still feel something missing deep inside.

Or something isn’t right at all.

We may feel so happy but never fulfilled. Even successful as seen by others but not fruitful personally deep inside.

Because we lack Jesus in us and in our work and mission or ministry.

It happens when we consciously or unconsciously shift focus and attention into ourselves and other factors aside from God who is the very essence and reason of our mission and undertaking.

Worst, we may be acting or living already as if we are God.

No more Jesus who is our voice, our word, our point of view.

Most of all, our Message.

That’s the good news of Easter with Mary Magdalene and the other Mary: though they have seen the death and burial of Jesus, they still came to the tomb to anoint him with perfumes and oil. Why when he was already dead and buried in the tomb?

Because they missed him a lot, and must have mostly believed he would rise again

Is it not what we also feel with our departed loved ones, asking God even for a short glimpse or fleeting feeling to see them again for us to be assured they are here.

When the angel told Mary Magdalene and the other Mary that Jesus is not here, he was telling them too he is out there, so alive somewhere we have to find and follow.

And that is how I now feel about my blogging: Jesus is not here.

Because Jesus is risen, calling me to find him first in my blogs.

And inviting me to follow him in new directions in my ministry so that perhaps, I may write new things, new experiences, and new life in him. Amen.

*So grateful to fellow bloggers I follow and admire who have helped me find God in their writings especially Rainer, Nicola, Daryl Madden, Sr. Rene, and Pinoy Transplant in Iowa.